Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

it’s time for some pepper spray

-me, in a crowded elevator

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

any last words?

i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.

Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.

The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.

[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you

Human are so complicated

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

Her: You have very beautiful hair.

Me: Oh, you flirt!

*Hands me her card*

Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…

THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.

HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.

I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.

Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”