Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
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My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?