Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
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8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
the way turkeys feel about november is probably how treadmills feel about january
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.