LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
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Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
me and my fake scenarios
