LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
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I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Friend: What’s the consequence for bigamy? Me: You have to visit TWO sets of inlaws over the holidays
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well