Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
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My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.