Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair

When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.

Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

[gym]

me: please wipe that down when you’re done

guy at urinal: what

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

him: i need some space

me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.

Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.

*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.

Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”

2020’s guy: “yeah”

1680’s guy: “yeah”

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.

This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation

Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.