Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
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Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?