Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike

moving in: you know what this place could use…

sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled

B2….

or not B2…

That might be the number.

–Shakespearean Bingo Caller

Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*

Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.

[oval office]

SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!

PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur

Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?

Me: Absolutely amazing

Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?

Me: You may not

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*