Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
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What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
What the hell happened in there??
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids: