Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap

Me: That’s fine, take a nap

3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning

Me: Great!

3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!

Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies

[God making humans]

*watches YouTube video*

“Okay, got it!”

Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products

Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky

I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.

Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever