Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
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I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
🤣dope
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.