Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
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It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
this isn’t threatening at all