Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.

RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.

“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”

“Have you checked the chandelier?”

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.

the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

Lion: *eating me*

Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

Her: I love pizza

Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school

Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

“I can be nice or I can be honest.”

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.

Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.

People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”

Camel dough