Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
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who’s gonna tell her?
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”