Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
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Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.