Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
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Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”