Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

❤️

when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast

We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer

friend: no that was long enough

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.

Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out

zone out

Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

“Mmmm Brians”

– a dyslexic or gay zombie

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.

[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone