Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

date: so what do you do?

me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

me: hey your birthday is one day away

6yo: we just call that tomorrow

me:

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken

A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.

We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.

Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.

Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.

Her: You have very beautiful hair.

Me: Oh, you flirt!

*Hands me her card*

Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..

*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again