Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point

I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*

My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3

when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.

*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.

But nope, it was just me getting ready.

[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]

Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?

7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV

Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…

You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?

My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.

Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.

I am, perchance

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.