Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
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Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Siri, fight Alexa.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”