*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
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“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
A date so good…
I eat 10 more.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
I kinda like zombies…but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk?…my apocolypse plans depend on it….thanks!
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Him: Describe our relationship in two words
Me: Our what?
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.