Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
You Might Also Like
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors