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@Tommytoughstuff

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

@hiitsmolly

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

@LuvPug

“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago

@Reverend_Scott

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

@Papa_Mex

I kinda like zombies…but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk?…my apocolypse plans depend on it….thanks!

@nottheworstmom

*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

@LifeUnPinterest

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.