Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic

Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.

bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.

Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend

“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”

-if Lassie had been a cat

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”

Me: “Santa died”

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.

Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.

not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.

My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all

poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment

“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.

Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.

I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.

“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”

…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!