Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…

*looks up from hospital bed*

ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…

ME: Oh.

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?

Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)

You know…for fall…

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.