Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.

just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.

New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.

Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*

doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards

Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?

me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now

My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.

detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is

me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup

detective: what was it

me: starbucks

i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only

My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.

me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you

miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go