Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

he asked “what are we?” i said we the best

Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.

Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon

Not with that attitude

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.

[dressed like Slave Leia]

Them: Haha ready for Halloween?

Me: Halloween?

Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.

If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated

aaaaand send

A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please