Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
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They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?