Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
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ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
an octopus is just a wet spider
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.