LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
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Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.