Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not muting your mic is the new reply all

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?

Girl: am I the dinner?

Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

Tuesday

[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah

#SCOTUS one-star review

The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.

Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?

It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

*On date*

Her: hey, how are you?

Me: yeah really g..

BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.