Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
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My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what