Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
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Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Shower sex be like:
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.