Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

[at a job fair]

Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!

“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to

Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

Caveman: This game is stupid.

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress

Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this