Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.

A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance

Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on

Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.

Scans first item.

Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

ME: we sure have one great kid

WIFE: we have two kids

ME: yes we do

I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”

facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total

Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?

“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.

5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?

8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.

*Both start laughing*

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

<at first day of t-ball practice>

Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.

[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”