Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
You Might Also Like
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?