Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.

“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.

Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft

If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*

side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close

me: it’s fine there’s room

side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU

Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*

Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911

*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.

imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now

“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.

Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me

Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*

Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.