life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
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My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
💀 😭
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
🥴😂
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.