Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
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After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
PLOT TWIST:
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I have a place for everything. The floor.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE