Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
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I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
bias laundering edition
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
…żyje?
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.