Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
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One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
79.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over