Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
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[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Saw Babygirl today and 40 minutes into the movie the old white guy sitting next to me turned to his wife and said, “this is not a Christmas movie,” and they got up and left. That’s the power of cinema, baby.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
when revenge coincides with naptime
So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape