LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
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Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Cinema or bowling
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Okay this one takes it home
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.