Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat

I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this

Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone

[David Attenborough voice]

and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

she has a point

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

Cat: [coughing up a hairball]

French tutor: very good

What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

My birth announcement for our third baby

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people