LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
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Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby