LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
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My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.