Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.

Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay

Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail

“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”

If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

Me: (exists)

Wasp: I have opinions about that