Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”

*later at the abandoned mine*

Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”

[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…

At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian

[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

When you take Google Maps too seriously.

Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”

I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

pain

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

Me: No!

Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.