Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!

I’ve been doing life all wrong.

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat

Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

date: do you like reading?

me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?

27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!

Me:

Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.