LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
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Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*