life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
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*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus