life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
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spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Otters see a butterfly.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out