life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
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this… may be the greatest story ever told
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!