Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?

Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!

My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”

Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER

Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT

Dog: probably eat the cat LOL

Dog 911: LOL

I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”

No, please lie, I insist!

I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.

You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”

Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.

Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.

Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?