Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.

– E.T. (1982) PG

if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!

Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.

Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

こいつ天才

16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’

Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’

Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’

W: ‘What was that??’

those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal

a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?