Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.

Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.

Me being confident.

I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

Someone just threatened to call me later

My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

[wedding vows]

Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.

People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.

Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles

The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf

Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening