Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?

Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

What time will the Easter candy be discounted?

CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.

Ok. I’ll call back later.

Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.

In scandinavia they’re called fjarts

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat

The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.

If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.

Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241

My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.

Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio

My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

Me: I really want to go travelling

My bank balance: like…around the house?

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

me: whoa you think I’m buff?

them: no, we said buffoon

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.

“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.

No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride