Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.

HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say

People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.

Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered

How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭

*Sends carrier pigeon back*

“I have a suitor.”

7yo son: May I have some water?

Me: What are the magic words?

7yo son: I can get it myself.

Me: There you go.

When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.

Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin:

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?

Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.

Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.

*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*