Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
You Might Also Like
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
*limbos under the caution tape
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!