@mlinhart

LIFE HACK:
If ur phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, rice will attract Asians who will fix ur electronics for you

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@TheAlexNevil

“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”

“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”

@Z_Mendenhall

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

@BMcCarthy32

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

@hippieswordfish

kid doctor: [looking over charts] im not going to lie this is the worst case of cooties ive ever seen
little girl: he said he’d been tested!

@iwearaonesie

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

@GingerHotDish

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

@KarateDonuts

For years, my wife & I couldn’t have a dog. My doctor said we should stop trying because humans can only make humans.

@omgthatspunny

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.