“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
If ur phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, rice will attract Asians who will fix ur electronics for you
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Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
kid doctor: [looking over charts] im not going to lie this is the worst case of cooties ive ever seen
little girl: he said he’d been tested!
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
For years, my wife & I couldn’t have a dog. My doctor said we should stop trying because humans can only make humans.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
Alexa, make me look good naked.