“Life Hacks” by Lizzie Borden is my favorite self help book.
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My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.