Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

(filming reality TV show)

him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot

me: so a guy with just one foot?

him: no, an ape-type creature

me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot

him: he has 2 feet

me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?

him: get out

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.

Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this

2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.

4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER

Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken

english majors be like furthermore

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.

me as a teen: chapstick is stupid

me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put

Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.