Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker

Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

[11am]

Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.

I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.

why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag

Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?

Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!

My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.

Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.

The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.

neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*

I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.