Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.

The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.

Not today.. 😂

It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.

Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.

Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.

Ancient wolves be like:

Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.

Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.