Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?

Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.

get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.

[gets on Facebook]

[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]

[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]

WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.

TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.

That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?

Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.

Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad

The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?

Me: no, I’m Dad

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer

I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

Waiter: And how would you like your steak?

Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?