Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week

A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.

Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE

Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?

Dad: Well it’s in my blood

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

[being beat down with health, family, work issues]

Me: I will remain positive at all times

[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]

Me: I am going to fire God

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.

FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”

Women are from Venus, men are wrong.

bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?

me: hey give that back 🙁

[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,