life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
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I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Simple enough.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that