life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
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I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.