Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
You Might Also Like
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
That’s no pocket rocket.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.