Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
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I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
i did the math
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat